So I met Ted Harrison last night. Yes, the Ted Harrison, who did you think I meant? I was at this party for work, a charity thing we all had to show up for, and he was there. He’s taller than he looks in the movies. Hmm? No, I don’t know how old he is. He must be around fifty, at least. He was in movies even when I was a kid. Just shut up and let me tell you about it, all right? Thank you.

Anyway. I didn’t know he was there, I actually had just got a drink when I turn around and he knocks into me and spills my wine all over my chest. We were both embarrassed. I didn’t recognize him at first—I knew he was familiar but I didn’t know why yet—so I said, “could you get me another drink while I clean up?” And so I went in to dry myself off and I come back and he’s standing there with another glass. White wine spritzer. That’s not what’s important, Sheila! Zip it so I can explain, all right?

Okay, so he hands me the drink and then I recognize him. And he’s a famous movie star, but he introduces himself anyway. It was so cute, he was like, “Hi, I’m Ted,” and I’m all like, “Oh, hi, Ted, I’m Lucy,” like I meet Oscar winners every day, you know? Ha ha. And he asks what I do, what brought me there, you know, and I tell him I’m with the company, and he acts like my job is just fascinating! I mean, we both knew it was total bullshit, but it was fun, because it was totally surreal. This guy I’ve had a crush on my entire life is at this party, and he’s flirting with me. I couldn’t believe it.

Yes, he looks good. Tall, graceful—ever see Mission at Dawn? Okay, you know the character he played? He looks like that guy’s father now. Just as handsome, a little more experienced, a little classier. Yeah.

Well, that was part of what was so surreal. I mean, he’s the guy I always had a crush on, but he wasn’t. He’s older now, probably twice my age. And he’s charming, but really, he’s just a guy. No, he isn’t losing his hair. Got a lot of silver, though.

Anyway, he talked with me all evening, even when people came up to get his autograph and stuff. And then at the end of the night, he gave me his cell phone number. Yes, I’m serious. He said he wanted to take care of the cleaning bill for my dress, and when he gave it to me, he held onto my hand.

Amazing as it was, it was creepy. The guy’s probably got kids older than me. Going after a twenty-five-year-old, you know the guy’s a letch. It was awkward.

What? Well, of course I fucked him. He’s Ted Harrison.

Copyright 2005 Amy Frushour Kelly. All rights reserved.
Reproduction by any means prohibited without prior written consent.