Father Patrick Shaughnessey O’Riley Houlihan answers readers’ questions about sex.

I’m a 32 year-old virgin. Should I be worried about this? – Gary

Young man, your purity is nothing to be concerned about. Why, I’m 54 years old, and I’ve never sullied myself with a woman, either. Yet I’m just as “normal” as the next man of God. Yes, indeedy!

Two months ago, I had unprotected sex with a prostitute. Now I have lesions and running sores on my penis. Should I see a doctor? – Carl

Yes, unfortunately, it does sound like you’ve caught something there. But don’t bother yourself seeing a doctor — all you need is the counsel of a man of God, like myself. I’m 99.9% sure you’ve caught a disease called “syphilosiphus.” If not treated properly, you can go blind. Luckily for you, the treatment is easy. Take some salt – any salt will do – and gently rub it into your sores. You’ll feel a soothing, numbing effect immediately. Now, strike your manhood soundly with a leather belt until it turns purple. Not red, Carl, purple. That’s very important if you want to feel better. Soon, you’ll be right as rain! And mind you, while Our Lord did “hang out” with prostitutes, He did not have sexual intercourse with them. You would do well to remember that next time you go “cruising.” But enough of that — I’m sure you’ve learned your lesson. Send me a postcard when your filthy, sinful disease is healed. I’d like to know how you’re doing!

I’m just curious — since you’ve never had sexual intercourse with a woman, how do you know so much about sex? – Alan

I can see that you’re a curious man, Alan. Curiosity is a fine quality in a young man. Bless you.

One of my friends claims she only has one orgasm during sex – sometimes none at all. I usually have several. Why the difference? – Gina

God made every woman different. That’s why some ladies have big boobies and some have little boobies. The same thing applies to the size of a woman’s clitoris, which is a wart-like mass outside the vagina that makes women have orgasms. The bigger the clitoris, the more orgasms. Obviously, your clitoris is bigger than your friend’s. But she shouldn’t lose hope! One way to increase the size of her clitoris is through wholesome thoughts. The Virgin Mary probably had an enormous clitoris, because she was so pure. Tell your friend to pray to the Virgin Mary to cleanse her thoughts, so that she can have lots of orgasms.

Confidential to Sadie: Although the Church frowns upon the use of condoms as birth control, I believe that a prophylactic device is permissible when having intercourse with a sheepdog. I don’t know why God, in His infinite wisdom, created fleas.

Well, my children, that’s all for now. Next week, I’ll answer your questions about fisting and sadism.

Love, Father Pat

Copyright 2006 Amy Frushour Kelly. All rights reserved.

Reproduction by any means prohibited without prior written consent.