“Hey! Barney!”
The man looked up from raking leaves and smiled. “Hey, Pete, how the hell are ya?”
“All right. Lookin’ good, buddy. Wife’s got you busy, I see.”
Barney shrugged. “Keeps me out of her hair while she’s cleaning.”
Pete’s face grew serious. “Say, I heard you were in an industrial accident. That true?”
“Yeah. Nothing serious. Part of the plant was destroyed, but I’m okay.”
“What happened?”
“Explosion in a vat. Got showered with radioactive acid.”
Pete looked horrified. “Barney, that’s awful! Were you wearing protective gear? Man, OSHA should nail that place. You ought to get a job down on the docks, the guards there make great money.”
“Well, I was wearin’ the coveralls and goggles and everything, but there was a little tear in the elbow and I guess I got hit with some radioactivity.”
“So what are they gonna do about it?”
“Nothing. The docs say I’m fine. Never reached a harmful level.”
“There’s no effects? You get showered with radioactive acid and there’s no effect at all?”
Barney took a quick look around to make sure nobody saw. “Look at this.” Taking the tined end of the rake in his fingers, he twisted the metal spikes around into the shape of a dog, as easily as another man would twist a balloon.
Pete whistled. “That’s…wow.”
Barney straightened the rake again and set it down on the grass. “Now check this out.” He held out his left arm, grunted, and morphed it into the shape of a hammer. “I can make any shape, kind of like Plastic Man. Turn my feet into water-skis, butt into an anvil, whatever.”
“Holy shit!”
With a little effort, Barney’s arm returned to its original form. “So there’s some aftereffects, but I’m not gonna bother the docs with it.”
“And you’re all right? Really?” Pete shook his head admiringly. “You should become a superhero or something, save the city.”
“From what?” Barney laughed. “I’m happy keeping a low profile. I figure I’ll enter a couple arm wrestling tournaments, sock a little money away, and the wife and I can retire early.”
“That’s great! I’m really happy for you. What will you guys do when you retire?”
Barney colored a little. “Well…that second thing I showed you? The Plastic-Man thing? Let’s just say it’s been a godsend for my marriage.”
Copyright 2006 Amy Frushour Kelly. All rights reserved.
Reproduction by any means prohibited without prior written consent.
January 17th, 2006 at 5:19 am
I really like the idea of superheroes (or, well, basically) just leading normal lives — though, I hate to say it, but I think the punchline is a little easy. But that’s just me! Otherwise, though, I dug it!